Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
