You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
