I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
