i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
