just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
