I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
