I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Boobs are out for the taking
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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