The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
