Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Is it penis luge time yet?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
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