peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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