every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Randomize
