I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
