I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
