You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
