my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
