May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
