He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
