i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
