im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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