My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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