I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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