I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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