I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
