Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
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