sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
