he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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