Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
