Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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