I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
