Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
