Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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