You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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