woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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