the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
