Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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