Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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