question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
