Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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