Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
