Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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