he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
