i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
