You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
