i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
what day is it and did you see me today?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
