Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
