Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
