mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
if only i could text you this smell
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
