So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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