quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
