I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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