I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
