i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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