Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
